tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post3760264113379389438..comments2023-11-10T03:29:33.585-05:00Comments on A collision of thoughts: College Essay: What is my potential? - Second DraftRyan Masonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10660610533145562386noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post-8904052952137148732008-11-20T02:41:00.000-05:002008-11-20T02:41:00.000-05:00Great. I don't have all the answers, but I'm think...Great. I don't have all the answers, but I'm thinking about the people who will read 1000 of these and what they want to discover. <BR/><BR/>I know it's a pain doing rewrites, but here's a situation where extra effort can improve your chances of success.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post-66898766123672565062008-11-20T00:17:00.000-05:002008-11-20T00:17:00.000-05:00Oh, I think I get what you're getting at. Now that...Oh, I think I get what you're getting at. Now that I understand I can properly do something about it. I'll try to have my next attempt up Friday or Saturday night. Should be interesting...Ryan Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10660610533145562386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post-44305432885848068082008-11-19T17:12:00.000-05:002008-11-19T17:12:00.000-05:00For me, the question looks like "What potential do...For me, the question looks like "What potential do you bring to this university?" <BR/><BR/>That gives you the chance to say things that will make the reader think "it would be good to have this guy here". What you've done in the past can be used in support of whatever claims you make to future potential.<BR/><BR/>Any sentence which gives them a sense of how your presence will enrich life in the classroom and on campus is a good one, especially if you can back it up with some facts about what you've already accomplished. If you give a sense of the kind of things that interest you and the energy and technical and communication skills, etc. that you can bring to them, you will help your cause. <BR/><BR/>Another way to look at the question which does not necessarily conflict with my first idea is "What are you capable of accomplishing with a degree from this university?"<BR/><BR/>You don't have to say that you'll win a Nobel prize or that you'll donate a new wing of the library after you've made your first 10 million, and you don't have to have your whole future plotted out (most people don't, and many of those who do have got it all wrong). But they'd like to think that the educational experience they offer makes their students better people. What kind of a person will it make you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post-79624793568426146942008-11-19T02:22:00.000-05:002008-11-19T02:22:00.000-05:00See, I'm kind of not sure on how to rework the que...See, I'm kind of not sure on how to rework the question. Do you have any ideas?<BR/><BR/>Taking your comment about the "yes/no" factor (which makes perfect sense now that you bring it up) should the question be "have I reached my potential?"Ryan Masonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10660610533145562386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8452459818330588157.post-5606202516550873322008-11-19T01:30:00.000-05:002008-11-19T01:30:00.000-05:00Hi, Ryan. You've got more concrete details here a...Hi, Ryan. You've got more concrete details here about what interests you. That's good. You haven't really re-framed the question, though, and that still leaves some problems, IMHO. For example, I still have to get through 4 paragraphs before I learn anything about what you've done or what interests you. Are these 4 paragraphs really necessary? If so, could they be or distilled down and/or moved to later? I think your goal should be to have the reader interested from the start in the potential you bring to their school. <BR/><BR/>Also, I feel a little dissonance with the "yes" and "no" parts, since, technically, "What is my potential?" is not a "yes/no" question. <BR/><BR/>I think there are still some important talking points you've left out, too, such as the foreign languages, contacts around the world, etc. Even if you have no intention of pursuing this sort of thing further, it shows something about potential you've already fulfilled and hints at future potential. <BR/><BR/>There are a few minor phrasing issues I could talk about, but I think I'll wait for another draft before bringing those up, since they might disappear in the next rewrite.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com